I think I learned the real value of a true friend this year, and in the deepest parts of me, I feel like I’ve earned the right to say it. It feels childish, admitting that I understand the depths of friendships now, at almost 22 years old. Isn’t that something I was supposed to learn in elementary school? I don’t mean to be hard on myself, I think I did know what friends were back then, but only to the extent of play-dates and keeping my friends secret crushes. My 9 year old brain thought I was doing God’s work, and I can’t blame little Ellie for that! No one knows what they’re life is going to entail, so clearly my friendships weren’t revolved around the circumstances that my life would bring when I was 22.
December 26, 2019- I turned 21, and I was on top of the world. Literally. I got up on the table at the bar and announced it was the greatest night of my life. All my friends cheered and the table of strangers joined in. Yes I will admit I had probably drank enough to kill a small elephant, but it was one of those Oscar worthy moments that I was known for. I was surrounded by my closest friends from my hometown- all 15 of us. I couldn’t stop smiling the entire night, it was euphoric. Everyone came out to celebrate MY birthday- talking about all the funny memories of us since elementary school, picking on each other the same way we did when we were back in the 3rd grade, back when I thought I knew what real friendships were. These are the people I’ve known my whole life. We’ve grown up together, cried together, laughed together, sang together, made bad choices together. We grew together- sometimes grew apart, but somehow always grew back to each other. I had traveled the world with Chris, been best friends with Libby since the 1st grade, Mateo was my comedic sidekick, Megan was my partner in crime. all of them- the greatest people in the whole world. And wanted to scream it from every bar-top I could stagger on top of. And I know if Nick D. calls me, I’m going to answer the phone. Even if he talks for 25 minutes straight over a parking cone he stole from his university that him and his college buddies named Sue, I’m going to answer it. Because it could just be a mindless conversation to him just to share a laugh, to me- it’s a lot more than that.
We grew together- sometimes grew apart, but somehow always grew back to each other.
I went to sleep the night of my 21st birthday, planning for the greatest year of my young twenties. I was in college, I had no commitments other than passing my classes so i wouldn’t disappoint my parents. I was in the midst of the greatest freedom I had ever experienced. I lived alone, in a small college town in the mountains of Montana, and just legally turned the age to drink. I was ready for the wildest year to date, and I had already done some wild things years prior, but man I was ready. I was obsessed with live. I had the biggest will to live- I was famous for it. My dad introduces me as his wild child, telling people i’ll plan a 17 hour drive only 30 minutes in advance. And can’t blame him for that- because that’s just in my DNA. Technically, his fault. But we won’t get into that.
Turns out, I wasn’t ready. Yeah… that was fast, I know. My 21st year wasn’t going to be as “on top of the world” as I thought it would be. I didn’t know it was coming, and if I’ve learned anything- it’s that you can’t plan for tomorrow. The Ellie that had always been so optimistic, always been so full of life, always trying to make a room full of people laugh- just got hit with the biggest reality check of toxic positivity by her own self. Exactly one week after my birthday, I was raped by someone I thought was a true friend. It had been exactly 7 days that my world had been pulled out from under my feet and I fell through the floor. My world was no longer round and full of purple sunsets and mountain adventures I wanted to go on. My world was flat, dirty, and confined to the 4 walls of my tiny one-bedroom apartment. I don’t do that, I’ve never been someone to do that. I thought I knew my body, I had been living in it for the past 21 years. But what i had came to know of my body had just become a shell of skin and bones- and a brain that couldn’t get past what had happened to me. I thought I knew what real friends were. And I thought I had one- but a friend doesn’t do that. I had to come to the harsh realization that a traumatic experience doesn’t stop the Earth from spinning, and the sun continued to rise and set everyday while I struggled with the idea of why. I thought that if I only put good into the world, treated people how I wanted to be treated, loved others deeply, was a good friend to others, – then why did this happen to me? I only wanted this year to be fun, it was supposed to be MY year, why did this happen? it had only been 7 days, why? I confided in people in what happened to me. People I thought were my real friends. I was called a liar, “the girl that cried wolf”. I was told I just had “regretful sex”, and that I was seeking attention. I slipped through the floor even further. With every denial I got, every time I wasn’t supported, every time I met someone with tears in my eyes and they turned away- I slipped further and further. These were supposed to be my friends? These were supposed to be my real friends? Friends don’t do that. I was forced to shut up about my own story.
I struggled with the concept of what a real friend was for a long time after my assault. I had just been betrayed by everyone in my college town that I considered my family away from home. I didn’t know a true friend anymore, all I knew was my friends back home. Those 15 people I spent my birthday with- screaming about how much we loved life. I needed them so bad, but they were across the country living their separate lives at their universities. I couldn’t stop their world because of what happened to me? So its like I hit the power-off button on my personalty and just went though the motions. But there were people in this college town that didn’t allow me to power-off. I did have people that were with me before my assault happened, and still stayed with me after. They sat in discomfort with me, they did cry with me. I was so closed off by denial, and so angry on how people reacted over what happened to me- that I was blind to the people that were still there. Hali held my hand with me everyday, even showing up at 2 am to just stay the night with me. Faith would drop whatever she was doing to be there with me, reminding me she believed me and how strong I was. Izabele fought for me- confiding in me her own story, Izabele made it known she believed me. Ben listened to me, sat with me in the discomfort of assault- day in and day out, he showed up. I had people, proving to be my true friend every step of the way. And when I confided in my friends from back home- I was met with the same comfort I was with those 3 people from college. I was believed, I was supported, I was met with unconditional love. To this day, Maddie will still ask how i’m doing in recovering over this. Libby and Megan the same way. Andrew checks in on me still, almost a year after the assault, willing to do whatever it takes to make sure I’m heard and that I feel safe.
Being trapped in a global pandemic, there isn’t anything you can do other than think. You cant go out and scream on bar-tops, you cant distract yourself. I was raped, and hit with the solitude of a global pandemic in the span of 3 months. But I was met with real, genuine friendship in the mean-time. I learned what it meant to call someone your best friend. I learned the depth of what it means to be there for someone. I learned how important it is to have someone that believes you, cherishes you- supports you. Someone that texts you once a week just to say, “Hi, I love you! Im thinking of you.”
I think I learned the real value of a true friend this year, and in the deepest parts of me, I feel like I’ve earned the right to say it. My 21st year wasn’t what I planned. I almost wish I could turn back time and tell naive Ellie to get off the table and stop screaming about how much she loves to live. But that Ellie is still here, and she’s coming back. What happened to her wasn’t her fault, and she shouldn’t have to stop being excited about life just because of what someone else did to her. My 21st year taught me you can’t plan past tomorrow, and you definitely cant plan 7 days in advance. What happened to me is not what my friends planned either, I know they didn’t plan supporting their friend through the trauma of being raped by someone they thought was their friend. But for the people that showed up for me, I will always plan on you. Because true friends do exist- and it took me a while to learn the weight of that sentence.
National Sexual Assault Hotline: 800-656-4673
ELLIE B 