Nothing Gold Can Stay

“Robert Frost’s Tragic Personal Life Teaches Us That Life Goes On.”

In 10th grade English class, we spent (what felt like a month) on a poetry unit tapping into how these words made us feel. The power of words in the deepest, dustiest part of your heart. Ahh, my favorite place to tap into! Most notably, “Nothing Gold Can Stay” by Robert Frost. You remember- one of the greatest poets of all time! Everyone recognizes the name Robert Frost, but do you really even know why? His name almost feels like a buzzword. Like a round of Jeopardy at the bar,

“Name a famous poet for 500.” 

 “Uhhh… Robert frost.. I think?”

The first thing google comes up with when you search his name is, “Robert Frost’s Tragic Personal Life Teaches Us That Life Goes On.” 

Nature’s first green is gold,
Her hardest hue to hold.
Her early leaf’s a flower;
But only so an hour.
Then leaf subsides to leaf.
So Eden sank to grief,
So dawn goes down to day.
Nothing gold can stay.

Ouch. 

That one hit home. 

Nothing Gold Can Stay. 

You don’t ever realize in the moment that the ‘gold’ times are ‘gold’, do you? You never understand how good it is, until it’s over. Right? I consider my golds as seasons of life. 

When I think about “seasons of life” I’ll think of a specific time in my past and who I was at that time. Who my best friend was, where I was living, what my favorite shirt was, what music I was into, who I had a crush on, etc. All those little things that make up that place in time. Certain smells. Friend groups. routines. My little (not so little) hyper fixations that make me unique. 

Nature’s first green is gold, 

Her hardest hue to hold. 

Like the time when my older brother Ryan played on a baseball team, and my sisters and I formed an alliance with the other siblings of the team. The dust of the fields blew through the gravel walkways, the smell of hotdogs on the grill at the shack. That gritty feeling when you rub your fingers together- I hated that. My sisters and I played in the old rickety house next to the field for HOURS! That was our place. Coming back to our parents every 20 minutes just to make sure they knew we were okay, but at the same time asking my dad for quarters for the snack shack. I loved the Big League Chew packets. I loved the powdery sweet smell when you opened the bag. My sisters and I promised my parents we would share. 

Or the time in my life when my dad picked me up from volleyball practice every Tuesday and Thursday night. He drove this old car we would work on in the garage together. He would buy them for cheap on government auction sites and fix them up together to resell- but really he did all the dirty work and I gave him opinions on the sound system. That was my specialty. I was in 10th grade on the JV team, and I wanted to be picked as a swing-up player for varsity so badly. Practice ended at 9:45, and the Qdoba in Woodinville closed at 10. We would race from the high school parking lot to the restaurant just in time to order a burrito bowl and a side of chips in queso. We would sit in the parking lot sharing chips, and I would vent to him about how this girl on my team always hurt my feelings, and that I hated going to practice because of her. I hated how she made me feel less than, and I could never understand how someone’s actions could make them come out on top like that. My dad told me that you never need to prove yourself, Ellie. He would ask me why I spent energy trying to prove someone else’s perception of me to be wrong, when they can just be dumb and wrong! He was the king of giving advice in between bites. He made me feel like i ended up on top. He would bag up the garbage and I’d hop out of the car and run to the trash, then we would drive the rest of the way home listening to Stay Gold by Stevie Wonder. My mom would text me asking, “what is taking so long?”

You get what I’m saying? 

You don’t realize it while you’re in it, but we’re always in a “season” of some sort. This little memory blurbs that come back to you, these are golden seasons that have slipped through. And the sad, beautiful, anxiety inducing reality is that we never get to relive these “seasons.” They’re so incredibly specific to who you’re around, what state of mind you’re in, and everything you’re experiencing. Unlike spring, summer, fall and winter, we only get these “seasons” once in a lifetime. Even the completely mundane, ordinary days of your life make up a season that you will never get back. One that you will probably miss a lot someday. 

Her early leaf’s a flower;
But only so an hour.

July 2018, my body decided it was ready for its next season. I was in the midst of shedding the loss I just experienced. My brain was forcing me to move upwards- and I was ready to grow into something new. New opportunity with new faces, new places, a whole new atmosphere for me. I wanted to rip that shedding skin off me as hard and as fast as I could. I wanted to start moving and never look back. So I looked around and found it/ I wanted the middle of nowhere. 

Moving to Montana was totally and completely out of my comfort zone- but what else is more appealing to a 19 year old than the completely uncomfortable? 

Most of the time we are completely unaware of the seasons that come and go but I felt this one in my bones. I was excited, I was ready and I wasn’t – all at the same time, but it was calling me. I packed my bags with goosebumps just imagining what my new life would bring. I was prepared for the gold. I listened to Stay Gold by Stevie Wonder on the drive there. 

 I waited. And waited. And waited. And that gold- the shiny, good, happy, jackpot gold- i thought I could have it there. 

Then leaf subsides to leaf.
So Eden sank to grief,

Have you ever heard the term zungzwang? It’s the term in chess when you have to make a move, but every move is a loss. 

I had been in MT for nearly 3 years and it had been wonderful and horrible. I really wanted to be intentional and aware of this season while I was in it — I didn’t want to take anything for granted. Back then- it was me and my best friend doubled as roommate Faith in our little downtown apartment having an ongoing war with our upstairs neighbor. It was Ruby’s Diner, it was Main ST, it was driving up to Top Of the World to watch the sunset over the Bitterroot Valley. It was getting Dairy Queen and sitting in the car with Izabele for 3 hours comparing rap playlists on Spotify while simultaneously trauma dumping our entire existence. It was trying to fit in with the country kids and nothing ever working out for me. I loved it and hated it so much, but it was easier to get through the harder days knowing that someday I’ll miss my friends sleeping on my couch after too many Butte Waters at Mo Club. I never wanted this to end, but I felt comfort knowing that once it did, there will be something just as gold waiting around the corner. 

And I waited, and waited. And waited. 

I’m going to be blunt. This season of life still makes my heart twist into the most anxiety inducing knot when I think back to it. I came to the conclusion that this season needed to be over for me. It was like God kept calling for the curtain cue for the season to be over. “The mines are empty, Ellie! There’s no more gold here!” My college experience was anything but the fun and crazy you see in the Project X movie. ((Ok maybe that’s a lie, it definitely was sometimes.))

During my time, I was raped by a friend. I lost all my friends. My friend died in a car accident. The world stopped for Covid. I was stuck- confined to that tiny downtown apartment sitting in zoom calls that my ADHD attention span could not endure for the life of me. No software that UM’s Disability Resource Center could download onto my laptop could save me from the mind that was eating me. I was gripping onto the gold as hard as I could, holding on for a little bit longer… but everything had been taken from me. 

Zungzwang. 

I packed my bags, cleaned the walls of our tiny downtown apartment, loaded up my car- and I headed home back to my parents house. I turned on Stay Gold by Stevie Wonder. My season had ended. It was really hard for me to accept that I had given in and given up. I wish I could go back to that damaged Ellie and tell her that her next gold season of life was starting. Every mile post she drove past headed west on I-90 was diving further and further into her next season. Truthfully, if anything,I just wish I could give that Ellie a hug. 

Nothing Gold Can Stay 

I’ll admit, I am painfully nostalgic and sentimental. Being the youngest of 4 kids and moving back into your parents home in your 20’s was like a knife to the neck. My season had just ended, but my siblings were in the middle of their seasons. Happy, free, successfully. They had all moved out and moved in with their partners. Ryan and Nicole got married, Ashley and Jacob got married, Bailey was living with her partner Kaeman. They were flourishing in their gold mines! Did I get left behind? How could they all move on without me? 

I think about that a lot. How life is ‘a twinkling of an eye.’ It goes by so fast. And theres nothing that will make you feel more grown up than looking at your family, who you have grown up with throughout your entire life and spent, essentially, every season with… in their seasons now. 

So dawn goes down to day.
Nothing gold can stay.

3 days before Christmas, At about 7pm, I walked downstairs to grab some tape and wrapping paper, and I stopped for a second.

I looked down the hallway into the living room and watched. My family was all down there, watching football. It was such a normal scene but it stopped me dead in my tracks. I took a picture. my siblings and their partners often came over for dinners and now the house is buzzing with Christmas just days away. 

My dad had his feet out on the ottoman in his last years men’s UGG slippers, laptop on his lap, probably doing some last minute Christmas shopping, (probably looking at a government car auction. My brother was in full Bill’s gear, eyes glued to the screen. Ashley was on the couch in her corner spot, snuggling her dog Rocky – I was always so jealous how all the family dogs gravitated towards her. Nicole is pregnant talking to my mom about which swaddle to buy. Right before I took the picture I heard my brother say with frustration, “Oh my GOD, they are getting their ****’s kicked in. Just turn it off.” And then there’s my mom, who is literally in motion on her way over to help me wrap gifts. I didn’t even ask her to either, shes just so aware like that. She knows I’m horrible at wrapping. 

Even the little details give me a lump in my throat. Our dog’s little red rubber Kong toy lying on the couch. My dad’s sparkling water that he loves so much on the coffee table. The puzzles laying out on the kitchen counter that we started 4 days ago. The Christmas decorations we’ve had since 1998. This was gold. 

My parents went from having 4 kids in the house to one in what felt to me like a matter of weeks. Really, it spanned out over the course of a few years but I was busy away in my Montana season. 

I stood there, taking in the scene. A completely normal, totally ordinary scene, but it took everything in me not to burst into tears. UmmEllie?? I was the only kid left. They were all visiting my home, their gold didn’t stay here, but together, it was still there. 

One of my favorite quotes is, “Most humans are never fully present in the now, because unconsciously they believe that the next moment must be more important than this one. But then you miss your whole life which is never not now.”

I’m forever thankful that I caught that special little moment. 

This is life. 

Robert Frost wrote Nothing Gold Can Stay, but I don’t know if thats true. You’ll always be saying goodbye to phases of life. Some phases you’ll look back on and wonder why you didn’t say goodbye sooner. Those moments will fade, but with that brings a new shiny golden season right to your door. I don’t want to be so clouded by my last off season that I miss enjoying the one I’m in now. 

It’s true that it ends, but it’s true that it goes on. 

But I think that if you are always aware of life as it’s happening, if you’re always fully present in the now… 

You could stay gold forever.